ARIES – The Ram..

DAILY –  Today might seem like a bit of a hectic rush but stay cool because the chance to hang out with people you care about is on the way, with accompanying good times and  this is exactly what your soul needs right now. Rams are not always good at being part of anything totally, but this weekend allow yourself to come in from the outside and join in.

LEO – The Lion

DAILY -  That’s more like it. Leo’s are feeling more confident and centered than they have for some time. Enjoy. Life is feeling easier and as if by magic everyone else is appearing to be easier too! Today would be a great day to watch the relationship between how you feel and how the world mirrors this. That when you are at ease with yourself, then this is what comes back to you from the outside too.

CANCER – The Crab

DAILY - You may have felt like you just got back your comfort zone lately after a big lot of change. This feels great – crabs don’t like uncertainty – but today it’s time to push forward again. Stretch yourself. Put your hand up for something you wouldn’t normally. Go at something a bit harder than you would usually. It’s time to push the boundaries of your shell. 

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GEMINI – The Twins

DAILY –  Turbulence is all around for twins today. Feeling unsure about decision, not knowing how to move forward on important projects, whether to stay or go in relationships. Get out of the foggy swirl by talking to someone you trust. Phone a friend or even pay a professional and speak out your doubts and fears. By putting them out on the table you will find a way through. Clarity is coming by Sunday.

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TAURUS – The Bull

DAILY –  Life might feel a bit of an emotional rollercoaster today. Feeling great one moment and then negative the next. Watch your mind talk. Listen to what it tells you and see the link between that and how you are feeling. If you can see it for what it is, an old tape playing over and over again in your head and switch it off, you will feel heaps better.

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Are you being Gaslighted? US Therapist Dr Robin Stern uncovers the reasons why you might always feel that everything is your fault at work or at home and what you can do about it …

Discovering the Gaslight Effect

I’ve been a therapist in private practice for the past twenty years, as well as a teacher, leadership coach, consultant, and fellow at the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, where I help develop and facilitate trainings for women of all ages. In all these domains, I constantly encounter women who are strong, smart, successful. Yet I kept hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive, and bewildering relationships. Although the woman’s friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent – a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.

Trying to win approval

There was something sickeningly familiar about these stories, and gradually I realized that not only was I hearing them professionally but they also mirrored experiences my friends and I had had. In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss, or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused, and deeply depressed. These relationships were all the more striking because in other domains the women seemed so strong and together. But there was always that one special person – loved one, boss, or relative – whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally, I was able to give this painful condition a name: the Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight.

Doubting yourself

This classic 1944 film is the story of Paula, a young, vulnerable singer (played by Ingrid Bergman) who marries Gregory, a charismatic, mysterious older man (played by Charles Boyer). Unbeknownst to Paula, her beloved husband is trying to drive her insane in order to take over her inheritance. He continually tells her she is ill and fragile, rearranges household items and then accuses her of doing so, and most deviously of all, manipulates the gas so that she sees the lights dim for no apparent reason. Under the spell of her husband’s diabolical scheme, Paula starts to believe that she is going mad. Confused and scared, she begins to act hysterical, actually becoming the fragile, disoriented person that he keeps telling her she is. In a vicious downward spiral, the more she doubts herself, the more confused and hysterical she becomes. She is desperate for her husband to approve of her and to tell her he loves her, but he keeps refusing to do so, insisting that she is insane. Her return to sanity and self-assertion comes only when a police inspector reassures her that he, too, sees the dimming of the light.

The gaslight ingredients

As Gaslight makes clear, a gaslighting relationship always involves two people. Gregory needs to seduce Paula to make himself feel powerful and in control. But Paula is also eager to be seduced. She has idealized this strong, handsome man, and she desperately wants to believe that he’ll cherish and protect her. When he starts behaving badly, she’s reluctant to blame him for it or to see him differently; she’d rather preserve her romantic image of the perfect husband. Her insecurity about herself and her idealization of him offer the perfect opening for his manipulation.

A sense of power

Katie, Liz, and Mitchell have one thing in common: they’re all suffering from the Gaslight Effect. The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval. Gaslighters and gaslightees can be of either gender, and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. But I’m going to call gaslighters “he” and gaslightees “she,” since that’s the pairing I most often see in my practice. I’ll explore a variety of relationships – with friends, family, bosses, and colleagues – but the male-female romantic pairing will be my major focus.

How it works?

For example, Katie’s gaslighting boyfriend insists that the world is a dangerous place and that Katie’s behavior is inappropriate and insensitive. When he feels stressed or threatened, he has to be right about these issues, and he has to get Katie to agree that he is. Katie values the relationship and doesn’t want to lose Brian, so she starts to see things from his point of view. Maybe the people they meet are laughing at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious. Gaslighting has begun.

Likewise, Liz’s boss insists that he really cares about her and that any concerns she has are because she’s paranoid. Liz wants her boss to think well of her – after all, her career is at stake – so she starts to doubt her own perceptions and tries to adopt his. But her boss’s view of things really doesn’t make sense to Liz. If he’s not trying to sabotage her, why is she missing all those meetings? Why are her clients failing to return her calls? Why is she feeling so worried and confused? Liz is so trusting that she just can’t believe anyone could be as blatantly manipulative as her boss seems to be; she has to be doing something that warrants his terrible treatment. Wishing desperately for her boss to be right, but knowing deep down that he isn’t, makes Liz feels completely disoriented, no longer sure of what she sees or what she knows. Her gaslighting is in full swing.

Mitchell’s mother insists that she’s entitled to say anything she wants to her son and that he is being rude if he objects. Mitchell would like to see his mother as a good, loving person, not as someone who says mean things to him. So when she hurts his feelings, he blames himself, not her. Both Mitchell and his mother agree: the mother is right, and Mitchell is wrong. Together, they are creating the Gaslight Effect.

Why it happens?

Of course, Katie, Liz, and Mitchell all have other choices. Katie might ignore her boyfriend’s negative remarks, ask him to stop making them, or as a last resort, break up with him. Liz could say to herself, “Wow, this new boss is a piece of work. Well; maybe that smarmy charm has fooled everyone else in this company – but not me!” Mitchell might reply calmly, “Sorry, Mom, but you’re the one who owes me an apology.” All of them could decide that, on some basic level, they are willing to live with their gaslighters’ disapproval. They know they are good, capable, lovable people, and that’s all that matters.

Caring what others think about us

If our three gaslightees were able to take this attitude, there would be no gaslighting. Maybe their gaslighters would still behave badly, but their behavior would no longer have such a pernicious effect. Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.

The problem is, gaslighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty – especially if there’s a grain of truth in his words, or if he’s hit on one of our pet anxieties – it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter – when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent – then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality. Our gaslighter needs to be right, we need to win his approval, and so the gaslighting goes on.

Things not as they seem

Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.

Meanwhile, you have idealized your gaslighter and are desperate for his approval, although you may not consciously realize this. But if there’s even a little piece of you that thinks you’re not good enough by yourself – if even a small part of you feels you need your gaslighter’s love or approval to be whole – then you are susceptible to gaslighting. And a gaslighter will take advantage of that vulnerability to make you doubt yourself, over and over again.

Turn Up Your Gaslight Radar. Check for These Twenty Tell-tale Signs

Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.

5. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.

6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.

8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

12. You have trouble making simple decisions.

13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.

14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.

15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.

17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.

18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.

19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before.

20. You feel hopeless and joyless.

If you feel this is you, get help. Find a therapist and get support to do what’s necessary to get out. Change jobs, end the relationship, or simply change your acceptance of the blame. You can win the blame game.

Order Robin’s book from any good bookseller and check out her website at http://www.robinstern.com/

PISCES – The Fishes

DAILY - After a stressful 24 hours you get a bit of a break today. You get to see things more clearly and as a result don’t take things so personally. Enjoy the space. Issues from the past may clear through today – a chance for you to see how unresolved stuff is still resonating in your life – and with this the opportunity to let it go for good. Again keep putting your interests to the fore. It really is all about you right now.

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SAGITTARIUS – The Archer

DAILY - Head down, bum up dear Sagg. It’s time to really work it this week before events in a few days time see you being very social. Today is also a fab day for networking, so pick up the phone and email these contacts you’ve been meaning to for ages. Your career stars remain buoyant, so squeeze all the juice out of this opportunity by staying focussed and really going for it.

AQUARIUS – The Water Carrier

DAILY - Even tho’ you might be enjoying a break right now from recent struggles there is still plenty of hard work around. The answer, make time for both. Have down time and go hard on your pressing projects. In this way you get to take some space guilt free and manage to move closer on some important tasks. Balance the juggle!

LIBRA – The Scales

DAILY - Librans who are looking to move forward in work and career need to take opportunities to learn something new. If you don’t know what you don’t know – ask a friend. They’re sure to and can point you in the right direction! Balance the need to get things done with a slight lack of motivation today by pushing through then taking some well deserved time out.